Wednesday, March 18, 2009


i am lost. broken.
how can an innocuous occurance have such a deep, debilitating effect.
i don't know how to be anymore. i am wrong. and even when i go about my life, so easily i let the shifting carpet knock me down, down, down. taking full responsibility, even when i don't think it was all me. 
what is all me, is my reaction. i am now 3 days on and so consumed with hurt and sadness. 
it was nothing. and yet it has become everything because i don't know how to progrss, move forward from here. 
i am in this life and feel it is all out of my control. and not in that good hand it to god kind of control.
if i go back to "normal" it will all be okay again until i slip up and then it will be all because of me and my stupidity, lack of communication, thoughtlessness, taking the other for granted. so if i withdraw from my life, from the world, from my heart maybe then i won't cause such a problem. but i know this is not the right response. but what else is there. 
i have given up so much of myself already. most of the time i don't know who i am. i look in the mirror and think "who is that?" and not very nicely. 
so now if it is true "you teach people how to treat you" what have i been putting out there?
how is it that another person can say or do anything to provoke me into this feeling?
i am lost
the woo woo stuff just seems okay for everyone else, but really its all an illusion 
bitter tears
no more twirl
good bye sparkle

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